"The time is always right to do what is right." - Martin Luther King Jr.

{"We have to live today by what truth we can get today and be ready tomorrow to call it falsehood."-- William James

To change is to be imperfect and to be imperfect is to be wrong --- at times! As an alcoholic, I have a problem with ego; always wanting to be right, hating to say, "I am sorry", not wishing to appear out of control. In sobriety I must wrestle with my ego on a daily basis. However, although I find it difficult to accept that I am imperfect, I know that I am! I know that I need to make amends. I know that I produce most of the pain in my life. Today's facts are stepping stones to tomorrow's falsehoods --- and I grow with this knowledge. Spirituality is growing in the knowledge that I do not have all the answers.
Let me experience joy and growth in the dilemmas of life.}

The above in brackets is from my daily recovery readings. I felt compelled to post it here because it was most assuredly how I was feeling this morning. The quote by William James go hand in hand with this one (also not mine, but unsure to whom it does belong) "The past and the future and great places to visit, but I wouldn't want to live there."

I have to remember to live in the present, one day at a time, one moment at a time if necessary. I can not dwell on the past, only learn from it, and I can not fret about the future as I have no control over it. I only have today, and by the grace of God and A.A., today I am sober. Today I choose to be happy.
I am Melis , an alcoholic, sober 48 days.

Day 45 - I will not drink today

"The past and the future are nice places to visit, but I wouldn't want to
live there." - Thomas Payne.
Daily I must remind myself that I can not dwell
on the past nor worry about the future. When I do these things I end up missing
out on today. Today is all that I can honestly say that I have for certain. The
future will come one day at a time if my Higher Power has it in store for me. I
must give my alcoholic problems to him and I must never take them back into my
own hands. I have already seen how I can handle that problem, now I must allow
my Higher Power to handle it for me. It is only then that I will be able to
begin to fully heal.
- My name is Melis and I am an alcoholic. By the grace
of my higher power, the love of my family, the support of A.A., and my caring
sponsor I will not take a drink today.

Happy Anniversary to me.

Day 30. Today is day 30 for me. I am very proud of myself and very somber. I have come a long way and still have a long way to go. not look at the mountain. Only the stone in front of my toe. If I begin to look at the mountain I will become too overwhelmed. I did my heaviest and most destructive drinking when I felt over whelmed.
Day 28 was very difficult for me and I almost did not make it through that day. Not only did I almost drink I had thoughts of ending it all. But love for my son and for my life partner, and the help and gentle words of my sponsor helped see me through the crisis. I not only made through to Day 29, I made it here, to number 30.
Yesterday I went to two A.A. Meetings (at the gentle prodding of my sponsor) and between the morning meeting and after the evening meeting I spent some time with other sober women and more specifically sober lesbians. I can not begin to tell you how great it felt to be sorounded by people that struggled everyday with the same issues that I do every moment of every day. It was an indescribably beautiful feeling.

What have I learned in thirty days? I am completely powerless over alcohol. Alcohol is poison to me. I can not conquer my addiction to alcohol alone. I must ask for help from my higher power because I have already shown what I will do alone. I can not go into my mind alone. That is where the inner child lives and there is no adult supervision there.
Day 30 sucks, just a little less than than 29 and I am sober.

Day 26...I will not drink today.

Daily Reflections

Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They arebeing fulfilled among us--sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work forthem.
ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 84

One of the most important things A.A. has given me, in addition to freedom from booze, is the ability to take"right action." It says the promises will ALWAYS materialize if I WORK for them. Fantasizing about them, debating them, preaching about them and faking them just won't work. I'll remain a miserable, rationalizing dry drunk. By taking action and working the Twelve Steps in all my affairs, I'll have a life beyond my wildest dreams.

Thought For The Day:

If alcoholism were just a physical allergy, like asthma or hay fever, it would be easy for us, by taking a skin test with alcohol, to find out whether or not we're alcoholics. But alcoholism is not just a physical allergy. It's also a mental allergy or obsession. After we've become alcoholics, we can still tolerate alcohol physically for quite a while, although we suffer a little more after each binge and each time it takes a little longer to get over our hangovers. Do I realize that since I have become an alcoholic, I cannot tolerate alcohol mentally at all?

Meditation For The Day:

The world does not need super-men or women, but super-natural people. People who will persistently turn the self out of their lives and let their Higher Power work through them. Let inspiration take the place of aspiration. Seek to grow spiritually, rather than to acquire fame and riches. Our chief ambition should be to be used by their Higher Power. The Divine Force is sufficient for all the spiritual work in the world.

Prayer For The Day:
I pray that I may be an instrument of my Higher Power. I pray that I may do my share in remaking the world.

This is day 26. My name is Melis and I am an alcoholic. Thank you for letting me share.

The day is number 25 and I am sober today.
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Meditation For The Day:

I must keep a time apart with my Higher Power every day. Gradually Iwill be transformed mentally and spiritually. It is not the praying so much as just being in my Higher Power's presence. The strengthening and curative powers of this I cannot understand, but I can experience them. The poor, sick world would be cured if every day each soul waited before their Higher Power, whatever it may be, for the inspiration to live aright. My greatest spiritual growth occurs in this time apart with my Higher Power.

Thought For The Day:

After that first drink, we had a single track mind. It was like a railroad train. The first drink started it off and it kept going on the single track until it got to the end of the line, drunkenness. We knew this would happen when we sat down at a bar to have the first drink,but still we couldn't keep away from liquor. Our will-power was gone. We had become helpless and hopeless before the power of alcohol. It's not the second drink or the tenth drink that does the damage. It's the first drink. Will I ever take that first drink again? Not today.

Melis

An Unsafe place to be

My skin is crawling. I want to drink. I want to die. No I don’t want to die. If I drink I will die. What I want is to get away from me that is all I have ever wanted to get out of this skin I am in. All of my vices my crutches have been removed from me. I have removed them. But why I needed them. I needed my coke. I needed my cigarettes. I needed my alcohol. I needed my food. I still do. I still want it. I still want it all. Why can’t I allow myself to have it? Just one line, just one drag, just one shot, just one bag of chips, please I am dying inside. I know why I cant have just one of any of these things-because for me there is no such thing as just one. Just one, turns into way too many. Just one turns into a blackout or seven days of speeding thru life not knowing what is going on.
What is worse is the internal struggle of good and evil. I have been clean from coke for 16 or 17 years and smokes for going on seven years. The real current struggle is with alcohol. I want to drink so bad, yet I don’t. I know what will happen if I do drink, but I don’t really know what life is like clean and sober. Sure, I have 23 days sober, and I really do not want to lose that. It has been a tremendous struggle that I do not want to start all over, but I really want to pick up.
I hate the person I am. I hate the person I have become. I wish I had a zipper right down the center of my body and I could unzip my skin and step out like I step out of my jeans. I want to find a skin that is as comfortable as my most cozy pajamas. I feel warm and safe in my pj’s. I want to feel warm and safe in my skin. I do not want to feel cold and angry and sad and ugly. I hate the me I am and I hate the me I have become. My name is Melis and I am an alcoholic.

Happy New Year?

Those of you that know me know I have not been here in quite some time. Some of you may care, some of you may not- it makes no difference to me. I have been staying away because I do not feel I can be what everyone wants of me. I have been reminded in cyber and real life numerous times that it is a “New” Year. Now while these people are extremely well meaning in there well wishes, and I am sure this was not what their intention was, when I hear “Happy New Year” or “It is a New Year, all is made better” to me it is like taking a fresh razor blade and pressing it into my wrist and dragging it up my arm toward my heart. My son is still not with me, I hate myself for letting him go. I start fights with my spouse just so maybe she will go away and find someone more deserving of her. Because I certainly am not. My doctor says there is a name for what is wrong with me. Well woo fucking hoo! That makes it all better. I have cyclothmia, which is a different form of bipolar disorder. Guess what? More meds!! Yea!! I went to get contacts the other day and I felt like I was reciting a grocery list when I was listing all my current meds. The newest is Lamictal. It is a seizure drug that supposedly does wonders for mood disorders. So far, I am not impressed. So I am going to end this little tirade before it gets really bad. Those of you that miss me, I am sorry, I miss me too. To the rest of you…..Go to Hell.

Melis the Bitch